I've had a crush on a classmate in song & dance who seems way more sophisticated & experienced than I am. She's a mix of Lucinda (Psychodrama c.1980), Jenna (dance class 1991) and Dana (voice class 1999). I plan an assertiveness campaign, and stick to my program... until abruptly I don't--suddenly, impulsively, I go silent, and come on to her using only touch.

Turns out she likes this, but her sophistication's only social not sexual; she's a virgin and nervous. Lots of kissing and petting, then nipple-licking then lots of oral sex to dilate and lubricate her... and then she can let me in without pain or resistance. Stop in stages til she adjusts, then go on. We explore sex a long sweet time...

I feel like my schedule for the week, once clear and focused on learning to be open about sex, to relax and talk things through, has been stood on its head by my impulsive jump into bed with Lu-Jen-Da.

Her cousin, the OTHER girl in class I admire--who I also swore to date--gets nominated a little unexpectedly (after a brilliant tryout--I'll call her Lumina) for the last open slot in the Olympics or Academy Awards or a similar world-class prize.

Intimidated by her sudden rise, I put off asking Lumina for a date "because she's so busy".

But dating and feeling my way emotionally with her is, to my unconscious, MORE important than feeling my way sexually with Lujenda, because I've already eroded (if not erased) my mom's teaching that I'm sexually wicked for being male at all; but my conviction that bright beautiful girls are above me and should be left alone is separate from that, and still strong, and hurting me more than sexist brainwashing, for it deprives me of friends, too.

So I push a little. Force myself upstairs. She's watching the award ceremony from the balcony, a section reserved, during this last (I hope) surge of Covid, for exposed/infected people. They keep a door open too. Humans being humans, the smokers in the group use the open doorway, so the upstairs stinks like 1940. The doorway smoker is... Lumina's dad! And he approves of me, WANTS his daughter to date a bright guy who can keep up. For a change!

But I may still sabotage--rationalize "she doesn't need the distraction now" or some such excuse. Can feel the internal tug-of-war: a strong pull toward her, because, well, HER... versus the push-away of my parental training to feel I'm worthless! Or to use a shorter word for what they did: abuse.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• Chase one cousin then another: in waking life I'm the opposite, overloyal--I stay and try to repair even hopeless relationships. So the cousins almost certainly stand for (respectively) sexual shyness, and social shyness.
• Sexual breakthrough but shy with cousin: I've healed sexually, but still feel socially unworthy. So I avoid exactly the smart, creative weirdos most likely to be compatible with me. I avoid potential friends!
• Hover in door of award ceremony, bad atmosphere: may be saying I even avoid my own high goals, or purposes, or focus. Since such things aren't for lowly beings like me! I suspect a lot of you know what I mean...
• ACTION: Take yourself seriously. If not for yourself, for others. Hiding your work and yourself benefits no one. Just because you were taught it decades ago by clueless relatives (or so-called peers, or so-called friends, or worse yet, so-called teachers), do you truly think your work--and you--are worthless?

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