I dream I have a girlfriend I'll call X. We both have histories of abuse, so it's no surprise that sex isn't much fun yet; we're both so tense! Flashback city. But I think we could do better. So we agree to try a sex therapist.

In our third session, our therapist says "This week, X, we'll focus on you. Lie on the floor and start masturbating. Chris, when you feel turned on, start helping her, show me what she likes you to do. X, you show or tell him... When you're both turned on, have sex on the floor, and let's see what happens."

We pull our clothes off, lie on the floor, and start petting. I feel no extra anxiety with someone watching. How could I? No room for more! Already saturated with fear I'm molesting my girlfriend, or giving her flashbacks, or that I'm so lost in my own flashbacks I won't sense X's feelings at all.

Therapist watches us for a minute then says "X, you're not giving him any feedback--you're silent and still, moving only your hand. Are you free to let your body move at all? You're not still in your parents' house, they can't punish you now." I hadn't realized it consciously but it's true--X rarely moves at all, sex is purely a genital release for her. Her whole body gets rigid. I never noticed how that affect me, too--the rigidity masks her feelings, and that heightens my anxiety!

I stroke her sole, then the back of her knee, trying to provoke even a ticklish kick... but I feel like I'm poking at a bomb. Tick tick tick...

As the therapist watches.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• The scared, rigid girlfriend = my own body's feelings, surfacing after a long childhood of abuse.
• Stroke her sole = hey, we're sole-mates! Just fucked-up soul-mates.
• Third session = Patience! There's hope! This horribly abused side of me is still stubbornly showing up for sex therapy in my dreams, and TRYING! This is not a withdrawn little ice cube. This is a hero. A scarred, scared hero. But brave.

  Other abused people, take note. Showing up and hammering away at it, even if it's "only" in your dreams, counts for something. A lot.

  And the price per session is right.

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