I'm watching dream TV. Find that classic show The Life of Wayan. Back when, I never read the credits. But now I do: and half the names aren't human. Like the writers--two Fraternal twins, whose parents had to be pegasus and dragon--how'd they even mate? Even more disturbing metaphysically, as Sister Nightmare's... me.

That is, I, a pegasus with dragonclaws wrote, drew, animated flesh and bone-- the human clown who dreams and draws his creator. Soul. Cartoon. Baffling how she, how art, can be true me; my flesh mere animation. Yet the show credits her for me. This face you know is only her art-overflow.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• Old TV shows, pegasi and dragons: I saw some early My Little Pony shows today.
• The Life of Wayan: tips a hat to Monty Python's movie The Life of Brian. Is the dream implying I'm a martyr, or a clown? Or both.
• A weird creature scripts my life-tale: recurring theme! Example: Triceratops.
• Dragon & pony: My Little Pony's dragon character Spike has a crush on Rarity the fashionista unicorn. My creator's parents, however, clearly went further than a mere crush. The twins looked broadly like pegasi, but had slit pupils, spiky crestlike manes and tails, clawed hands and feet not hooves...
• Fraternal twins: probably the Cake Twins on My Little Pony--dangerously precocious, overflowing with magic, they overwhelm their (normal) parents, proving the old saw "It takes a fire brigade to raise a child." My sisters and I were severely gifted weirdos who largely raised ourselves; our parents kinda gave up.
• Pegasi/dragon crossbreeds: probably My Little Pony's character Discord, the embodiment of chaos. He's a "draconequus"--at least etymologically half-dragon, half-pony, though he looks quite unlike my dream-twins. What's he stand for? Selfish creativity. His task is to temper it with empathy, or at least ethical restraint. (I do try...)
• Nightmare: probably My Little Pony's character Luna, the goddess of dreams and the night. That is, dreams are shaping me.
• Unlikely crossbreed: recurrent theme too. Examples: Bastard Unicorn, The White Deer's Experiment or Creature Becomes Creator.

• ACTION 1: rewrite my current role. Apparently I (at least BIG I) am writing the script and have the power--if I choose. My recent dreams are torn between a lonely girl hungry for fun, friends and sex; and a wary sharkbit girl willing to enter the Social Swim only in proven shark-free zones. And where are they?
• I could start by testing my assumption that anyone attractive will reject me. A dream, Why I Lie, compared chronic/recurrent illness to AIDS, pointing out I'm not neurotic, I learned to expect social rejection for several reasons:
  1. Recurrent illness left me emaciated, in pain, tired, sunken-eyed... for decades. But since I tested myself for gluten sensitivity and quit eating it, I've improved sharply.
  2. I couldn't socialize. Therapists assumed it was shyness they could coax me out of. Wrong: it was Asperger syndrome. Try partying when the noise deafens you, you can't recognize faces, and the food poisons you. To shine, I need quiet encounters allowing deep conversation.
  3. I'm slow to open up for good reason! Given my essential strangeness, what I say gets misinterpreted or just disbelieved. I need a bright, sophisticated crowd. Or a con full of geeks sharing some of my... nonhuman enthusiasms.
• I'm avoiding the dream's point. My dream-self, my soul, is less human but more powerful than I thought. She steers my life, not me; creates this day-self. So figure out some (cautious) things all sides of me can agree on, and ask for a rewrite.
• ACTION 2: and don't take The Life of Wayan too seriously. If others see my art and life as bizarre, keep at it; that's the real me. The mystics were right all along; human life's just a crude two-dimensional cartoon.

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