I'm watching a black and white 1950s film about the FBI. Its chief, J. Edgar Hoover, was even more corrupt than we knew. He was out to become dictator. At first he just used blackmail and intimidation against his opponents, but soon he was arresting and killing politicians. The local militia and National Guard fought him...

Hoover won. Killed or drove out most of the government and declared an emergency and installed henchmen in key offices. The army tried a ground assault and got slaughtered! He must have been planning this all his life...

At last, in desperation, the military drops a tactical warhead on FBI headquarters. Civilians near it get a brief warning, but not enough time to fully escape the zone. Stragglers fill the streets when the bomb goes off. Cameras running--see the fireball, mushroom cloud, flame-wave sweeping up street and engulfing people. Everyone for several blocks is killed. Though the shots are in contrasty black and white, they're still frightening and grisly.

"Something had to be done," I think, "but what a horrible price to pay."

Well? J. Edgar Hoover's relentless witch-hunts and executions , or hundreds in a flash? Which would you choose?

NOTES ON WAKING

• Hoover: my internal dictator, making me workaholic? To get rid of him, I have accepted some fallout; willing to get very sick. After all, I get sick anyway...
• Civil war, heavy price: earlier this year, though I still had chronic illness due to a persistent infection, I tried dating. I found I got so sick so often, just from the stress of it, that I gave up. But was walking away nuking Hoover (regardless of the casualties) or surrendering to him? Unsure then, and unsure now.

On TV, a journalist shows gruesome clips from the notorious TV movie The Day After: a nuclear fireball, people caught by waves of fire. I haven't seen such Cold War images in years!

Until my dream last night.

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