I'm talking to myself in my dreams. Never a good sign, is it? I'm speculating on my spirit's goal for this life: "While in heaven, I set up this incarnation to experience years of fear, then years of loneliness, then years of boredom. Adversity's character-building."

As I say it, I believe it. Chose to suffer as a growth experience!

No wonder I feel angry at my own soul. What a rigged deal!

A friend calls up, and we get to talking about life-plans. I blurt out "Fine! So adversity is a great learning experience! But do I build in any vacations? Any interludes of love and fun, to teach me the contrast? Nohhhhhhh! Just nonstop work. What an idiot!"

Disgusted with my own soul. Yet I feel helpless--if I can change this program at all, it'll be still more draining, uphill work.

I'm my own malevolent fairy godmother, cursing myself.

And then I wake.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

In Neil Gaiman's THE BOOK OF FAERIE, Tam Lin tells Queen Titania she seems different from the other Fair Folk; she hides that she was born mortal, but admits "I was truly unhappy in my early life, as few here were; that suffering gave me empathy."

So suffering builds character, eh? A lot of books on reincarnation talk of choosing hard lives to grow faster.

I've bought into this view--as a comfort, because much of my early life was bleak. Might as well console myself by claiming pain's virtuous!

Now I'm not so sure. Monotonous suffering and solitude make Wayan a dull creature.

Fight asceticism! Give yourself vacations from austerity. Sex, fun, love, play. Those build character too.

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