I'm a fight promoter, hiking up a trail in the woods west of Silicon Valley, eying the trees closely. Are they too dense for the fighters to squeeze through? We've got a mammoth fight booked--it'll be televised, and millions of bucks are already bet. The clearing is fine as-is, but I'm sorry, this path won't do. Has to be wider. These are the biggest fighters we've ever had: we went back in time and booked a T. rex, who's gonna fight it out with a huge-tusked woolly mammoth! That's why we're billing it A MAMMOTH FIGHT, get it?

I thought of that.

Yeah, yeah, everyone said fix up an indoor venue. We tried the Cow Palace but they backed out. Besides, it's expensive. So we'll seat them all outdoors. So what if they have to climb trees, and maybe still get eaten or stomped. They sign the releases like they kinda WANT to be Rex pizza. Badge of honor--they can buy the T shirt, I SURVIVED THE MAMMOTH FIGHT.

Besides, who cares. The real money's in the broadcast rights. People just clog up the forest. Traffic was awful even for the Valley today and it'll be worse tomorrow before the fight. Better call the chainsaw guys quick.

My phone rings. "We, ah, we have a line-up change..." Oh shit! No way! How can an elephant and a dumb dino back out? Don't they have brains the size of a pimple or something?

Oh, they're still on--but we got two more contenders. A four-way fight?

A WHALE? In the clearing? Apparently, it's willing to crawl up the path, if we offer ten million in krill.

And... a schoolbus! How a schoolbus can fight, I don't know. But it's for education, so the poor dumb AI will smash its big yellow heart out I guess. First the state lottery, now this.

All I wanted was a fight, a pure, simple, mammoth fight, like in Fantasia when I was a kid. But these people, they're fucking up my vision, you know? Turning it into a circus!

Why does this always happen to artists like me?

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