I Find Myself Crying
Dreamed before 1978 by Anonymous #51
I enter a large, spacious apartment with homemade staircases running up to sleeping lofts covered by heavy curtains. Everyone seems very trusting here, as if there is nothing really to steal.
Now more and more people come in from other rooms, going about their lives, not taking great notice of me, but not unfriendly, either. Guitar music filters down from above, sad and beautiful. I look up to seo a young black man perched in a rafter, playing to himself. Yet his music seems a gift to everyone; his way of saying that he is there, and that he feels. Everyone flops down for a rest together. I presume to join them, and no one objects. Our bodies all touch and I feel warm and secure, though I know no one. |
A young girl enters the room... I look closely at her face and it's fine, sensitive and clear through the eyes. She searches with her body for a comfortable place, and she leans against me. It's almost more than I can hope for... She relaxes against my leg, and it's the warmest most wonderful feeling imaginable. I get an erection. It's as if my appreciation and attraction took on flesh.
When it's time to leave and we are all getting up, she says to no one in particular, "But I think there are a lot of other things I've yet to experience." And she looks at me with a frank, unexaggerated warmth in her eyes. "Excuse me for that," I say to her, referring to my erection. "Don't ever apologize for that," she whispers to me as she brushes against my face. I feel so happy I could burst. As I type this page, I suddenly find myself crying. |
SOURCE: The New Diary by Tristine Rainer, intro by Anaïs Nin, 1978, Penguin, p. 178-9. A guide to the techniques and transformative effects of journaling (dream or not); this section's on cathartic dreams.
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