I'm in a prison for the criminally insane. I keep seducing young idealistic staffers. The psychiatrists in charge say I must be manipulating them for sex and extra privileges (or to ruin their professional reputations)--after all, I'm a psychopath, I'm criminally insane. I can't love or give!

But my lovers don't think so, and neither do I--though at first I half-believe the psychiatrists' line myself. But as time goes by, I know I'm not what they say. I break up with one girl, but the next lasts longer, and the next--still can't hold on to them in the face of pressure from colleagues, and sometimes real incompatibilities, too... but we remain friends. I like and try to be fair and honest with each one.

Gradually I acquire a strange status as more staff recognize I'm sustaining real friendships, not playing games. I end up getting a staff job while still technically an inmate! Become an example for others that it's possible to change and force the institution to recognize the change.

I preach this to the other inmates, insisting that total honesty, not "appropriate" feelings or behavior, was the key for me.

NOTE AFTER WAKING

Yesterday my friend Dawn said "I can't meditate. Bizarre, scary thoughts keep welling up."

I said "Just let them! Look at each one, say 'OK, I think this and feel this. Now what?' That's what meditation IS, Dawn!"

The dream agrees--for me at least, staying honest, no matter how inappropriate my feelings are, is the strength that'll pull me through.

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