I'm on the central California coast, near Pebble Beach State Park. Redwoods inland; chaparral and fields on a narrow marine terrace. Sea-cliffs and strangely pitted rocks. Wild iris and calla lilies along the small streams. Sea-otters and kelp forests in the coves.

I meet a woman climbing on the rocks. She tells me "When flowers escape a garden, they run down to the sea and multiply in big beds, having no natural enemies. But over time the native wildflowers are better adapted and win back. YOU should look for wildflowers--single, delicate, isolated, hidden, among the beefy chorus of domesticated flowers." And I realize she's talking about herself--and love.

So I suspend my fears with an effort, and touch her as if I'm SURE she wants me--and she does. Practically shoves my hand up under her skirt, into her cunt. I get excited as she squirms in slippery delight. Her hand strokes me and I feel a wave of happiness as old shyness drops away. She's healing me! Weird to be petting half-naked on the shoulder of Highway One, but no one passing seems to care...

She tells me a fantasy: "I'm waiting at a bustop and this guy feels me and fucks me standing up, while I deny any feeling or responsibility, in fact I CLAIM he nauseates me--when really I love it..."

We try role-playing it. But suddenly I can't find her clit. Blame myself, saying "I'm so ignorant," and keep looking... only now I can't find her whole CUNT! It's disappeared--just a blank tan triangle of skin!

Chills down my back...

I say "Stop! We have to stop playing these roles..."

And the moment we're ourselves, her blank skin smiles, and forms lips, slippery lips... her pussy's back. It feels hot, SO hot I hesitate to put my cock in, ask "Are you OK? You feel swollen--are you sore?" She says "Oh no, no, no, PLEEEEEASE put it IN!" and I slide the head in slowly, slowly... ah, so warm...

And wake.

And wake knowing now, for certain, no excuses, that sex is IMPOSSIBLE for me while playing roles. I MUST be myself, and my lover MUST be herself. Anyone who wants a mask (and so many do)... I can't oblige. No matter how hot, no matter how nice, no matter how needy, no matter how fun it might be.

This isn't my sexual preference. It's my sexual NEED. I CANNOT compromise on this. Honesty or... blank. Sealed off, by the mask. No way in.

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