I meet an attractive girl with a rare, mysterious syndrome. I want to help her. So I follow her to her home, in a Southern city, and move in with her, and try to save her--alternative diagnoses, faith healers, you name it. But the whole time, I act fatherly around her--an incestuous father. Put my arm around her, drooling over her, yet never openly admit my interest is sexual, though it's perfectly obvious, to her and me. Creepy! Why am I acting like this?

But as I watch myself more and more, I'm less sure this is me. Doesn't look like me, or feel like me... He looks familiar, though, this sad little monkey-faced liar... where have I seen him?

And there's something funny about his motivation, too... IS it just sex? I think he wants to exploit her syndrome financially somehow.

Then our brown-suited monkey-man gets a job with a millionaire. The job has great pay, and I feel relieved, watching--at least the guy no longer needs to cash in on this girl's rare condition. Maybe he'll just be normal, straightforward boyfriend now.

Nope. He still drools over her, but never quite grabs--both lured and afraid, like she's a suitcase of drug money. He sneaks around to high-tech firms, scheming to make a million off her illness! I'm furious, yet all I can do is watch...

His best friend comes to visit--George, the bald little schemer on "Seinfeld". It's the first time George has met Syndrome Girl, though he's heard all about her. But when they meet, he doesn't see a human being at all! He suddenly finds himself standing in a vast dark hall or cage, with wire-lattice walls, hung with glowing neon 5-point stars! She's somehow carrying round--she IS--a whole universe! A small one, probably synthetic... but still, another world. That's some syndrome. Now he understands why his buddy wants to cash in on her. She's a whole cosmos. So now there are two of them, "helping" her, lying to her... While I have to watch, yelling helplessly, unheard: "Okay, she's a cosmos. But she's also a person--and she just wants love... she just wants to be well!"

NOTES IN THE MORNING Monkeyfaced liar = the car dealer in the film FARGO, who has his own wife kidnapped. Also the guy who just bought our house and plans to evict us. He was snooping through our basement today... Drooling but not admitting my interest = Afraid I've been doing this to my cute housemate Valerie, as well as several girls I like in our anorexia group... Girl with a problem = anorexia? Valerie said "Why chase women with a big problem like that? You don't have to." Kind of hard to avoid, since the problem girl is... me. Her rich hidden universe = dreams, dreamwork! A burden to tend, but of great potential value. Uh-oh. My monkey-mind is planning to EXPLOIT my dreams financially, via teaching or writing. And my dreams don't want to! They just want me to heal. And love.

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