I'm in elementary school again, eight years old, in fifth grade (I was skipped ahead).

Slowly I catch on that I'm being lied to about school events--told false times to show up for group activities only to find an empty room. Or I'm ordered to report for "special tests" that seem pointless, cooked up just to yank me from class--or again I find the testing room empty. They always tell me I "must have misunderstood." I didn't.

Far as I can see, it's only me. Why single me out? No one will tell me. Covert punishment for being a child prodigy, a freak? A grudge against my parents? I dunno. They lie, and I end up alone where I'm not supposed to be. Not just students doing it--at least some teachers have to be in on it. Maybe not all, but I can't trust the staff. The authorities. Each time I'm separated from the crowd I feel more vulnerable--marks me as different, sets me up for more gossip and pranks.

Helpful teacher

From their tone I know they disapprove of my parents' elitism in going to live theatre. And taking a small kid who can't possibly understand! It'll feed his egotism, already a problem. Thinks he's a little genius.

So they rig these fake tests to force me not to show up when I should. They'll keep me after class using their testing as detention! Punishment, not for behavior, but for being a prodigy: too young, unnatural. "That Chris, always lying." I'm glad they've turned so blatant. Know your enemies.

Trouble is, I don't know my friends. If any.

But I refuse to stay! Run out to meet my parents, who do indeed drive up. I tell them what's been happening. My mother asks "Are you asking to be pulled from this school?" and I say "I don't know." And I don't; I'm just reporting a problem. I have no way to know if adults in other school will be better. She asks what I'd do about it if they left me in this school. I say "I'll keep my self-respect at any price. I'll start hitting kids who lie to me or tease me; I'll make it cost too much. I'm too small to beat up the staff who've been doing this, but I'm smart. I'll think of ways I can hurt them too, until they're afraid of me too, and stop."

And I mean exactly what I say. Whatever the cost.

IN THE MORNING

• Room 63, fifth grade = I was in 5th grade in 1963, age 8. Not that I fit there, any better than 3rd grade. Mentally I was nearly adult, IQ 170-200; emotionally and physically, a little kid among (ten-year-old) giants.
• The fire alarm = today I got justifiably mad, then realized it stressed my body. Forced myself to let it go, justified anger or not.
• Going to plays is elitist, so teachers tie me down with tests = I saw a review of Jane Campion's Two Friends, a film on a working-class girl whose dad blocks her from going to a good college with her best friend, because college is elitist; she ends up a junkie in a squat.
  In contrast, my dream points out my parents were unsure how to nurture a child prodigy but did at least try; it was teachers and classmates who abused me.

Helpful psychologist: mug shot

What's the dream saying? That I underestimate the hostility I faced. Many kids and teachers (even ones I barely knew) visibly disliked me, but as a kid I lacked the context to be sure I was singled out or that it was systemic. Now that's obvious. They saw my family as elitist and me as a freak--assumed I was way ahead because my parents pushed me (false). My sisters and cousins were gifted too; we took intellectualism for granted, saw it as normal--till kindergarten when we discovered our "peers" were all illiterate!

The dream honestly shows my childhood isolation, confusion and harsh lonely pride. I mistrusted my teachers as well as classmates. I've blamed myself (or my parents) for being the school pariah, but was I really so dumb I couldn't tell who to trust? Consciously, I only noted blatant unfairness--theft, violence, provable lies (not just 'peers'; at least two teachers lied to me and about me, going so far as to falsify records; one of my psychologists died in prison, convicted of child abuse). Quieter abuse, I took for granted--rejection, prejudice, harassment, hate speech. At last, I ignored others' expressed feelings and judged only their actions. Outside my family and close friends, I was nearly mute.

For years, I thought I was a socally inept loner--but now I wonder. Stoic withdrawal may have been the only response to abuse by school staff paid to protect me! The dream's ending warns how close I came to violence, to a label of "delinquent". Many gifted do.

I have few physical scars; I try to forget those years of abuse. But inside? I still mistrust groups, expecting prejudice, persecution and sabotage. I watch for evidence others are singling me out.

But the dream says my hair-trigger alarm system is like a firebell ringing in an empty school. False alarm. That is, false now.

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