A couple of women, ministers in a Christian cult, are trying to convert me. They say I've sinned. By their rules, not mine. And they won't leave! Just pester me on my doorstep, repeating "To go to Heaven you must obey the Bible."

I get tired of dealing with low-level employees, and go for the CEO.

I yank my door wide open and stomp out through the Bible babblers onto my front walk, and yell at the sky "Hey, God! If you put conditions on my afterlife, tell me right now! I'll give you FIVE MINUTES -- if you PERSONALLY tell me I have to do certain things to be good, I will. That's MY side of the deal. YOUR side is, if you DON'T think of anything RIGHT now, I'm gonna walk into Heaven no matter what rules I break in your book. I'm crashing your party. You have FIVE MINUTES. GO!"

And I stand there, glaring at the sky, ignoring the preachers. I'll attend to them later. When I'm dead. I'll be harassing them on God's doorstep like they're pestering me now. Because I mean it.

Five minutes pass.

Silence from God.

I look at them and say "No conditions. See you in Heaven."

And then think for a second, and add: "Preferably not sooner." And wake.

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