I teach at a small American college. I live on campus, in faculty housing. My neighbor's a Chinese woman who came here with her husband, a professor I rarely see, or want to. He's an archetypal Confucian scholar-patriarch. She's traditional, timid--he shopped for submission till he found it. He won't let her have a life out of the home. No cash, no car, no driver's license.

But here in America, even she starts to grow out of it some. She turns to me for help.

He storms over and accuses me of having an affair with her! I've watched him bully her all year, but bully ME? The last straw! I grab his necktied throat and shove him up against the wall and say "No, I'm not fucking your wife. But she can have her pick of MILLIONS of decent, easy-going guys who WILL want her--who'll appreciate someone that nice, so eager to please. And she'll be happier with anyone but you. Either treat her right, or she'll leave you. It's that simple, you asshole."

Of course I know it's NOT that simple. She's told me she already has a lover, and he's so intense he scares her. If he alarms HER, so used to abuse already, he MUST be pretty extreme. She's probably found another dominator who'll fit her expectations.

I think she needs a support group, or to be on her own for a while.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

I've been going to a codependency group--a 12-step group treating our insane niceness as an addiction!

I bully myself in much this way, with or without a girlfriend.

I'm like his wife, too. I could find a lot of possible lovers, because I'm eager to please. All I want is not to be abused. Unfortunately, I'm the one who abuses me--and invite abuse. Throwing myself at others, even if they're not abusive, won't free me from inner bullies.

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